Girl thinks she's pregnant, what am I supposed to do?

[Heather]

Well, a person can always say to someone diagnosing them that they question the diagnosis or even dispute it, whether that's about mental health or any other area of health. I can imagine someone doing that because it's something I know people do, but also because I have had a long life with a lot of life and work experience in these areas.

All the same, however he got here, I'm really glad your Dad is feelign more inclined to give himself and his mental health some extra care.

Right now, it's hard for me to see how you would manage dating. You have been very stressed out and depressed, and you are dealign with something massive and pretty potentially life-changing. You have a lot to prepare yourself for. To be in an intimate relationship with someone that's going to be good for both people, especially to start something new, everyone needs to be in a mentally healthy space where they also have the actual room in their heads, hearts and lives for that new relationship. It's hard for me to see you having any of that right now or any time soon. You've been talking a lot since you came here about -- understandably! -- feeling very lost and overwhelmed. That's just not the kind of headspace for someone ready for a new intimate relationship.

But I don't believe that that will be the case for you forever, or maybe even for all that long, and I certainly don't believe that telling someone you are expecting an ex to have a baby, or even that you are expecting to be or are a parent, means you never get to date again. Instead, it will mean that your dating pool will be made up of people with the emotional maturity to handle that and who feel like they're okay dating someone who is a young parent. That won't be everyone, of course, but no one's dating pool is ever made of everyone, and sometimes something like this can even be a good thing in that it might help you weed out people who lack emotional maturity and other excellent qualities.

Since it seems likely that you are going to be someone with an ex with a baby on the way, and may be someone who is some form of teen parent, the only people who are likely to be good for you to date are going to be the people with the maturity to handle it and who are open to the realities of your life. That's a smaller pool, for sure, but it's also probably a good one, made primarily of thoughtful, sensitive and forward-thinking people.

[rodi]

At my school? The places i'm around? Sounds unlikely

[Heather]

Honestly, since you have a lot more on your plate now and coming up than dating to manage, and because I still think you're in pretty deep mentally with the stress of all this -- and so are coming to pretty much everything with a ton of negativity and dread -- I'd suggest we table this conversation for the time being.

It just doesn't seem relevant to your life right now nor does a conversation between us about it seem at all likely to be productive, especially given the way you're responding to me when I am taking time to talk with you about it with care and depth.

[rodi]

Sorry, changing the subject. What if the test is negative, i doubt everything will go back to normal even though it wouldn'tb e my fault.

[Heather]

I also don't think it makes sense to talk about that hypothetical, for a couple reasons:
1) First and foremost, because it seems incredibly unlikely, and because I don't think it's been healthy for you to keep holding on to that thread.
2) Because if that were the case, then there really wouldn't be much to talk about with you, because then this would not be happening, and what does change after that that's still to be resolved isn't something I feel like we can predict. We'd have to see what happened and then take it from there.

I think our best focus with you here is on what is going on in the here and now, what is real or most likely to be real, and how we and others can best help you with those things.

[rodi]

Test said the chance of me being the father is over 99.9%. Dad spent the day talking to me yesterday, I tried everything to make so that another test is done because I thought it was 1 in 1000 to be wrong, but he said test is as precise as any could be. It was tested for other stuff too, it says there's low risk for a bunch of genetic stuff, I guess that's less bad and also it's a male fetus.

Spending the holiday in my room cause I'm fucked.

[Heather]

rodi,

I'm so sorry. I know this isn't the result that you wanted. I agree with your father, there's no point in repeating the test. As you know, I didn't think it was needed in the first place, because I didn't see any reason Marcela would be dishonest about this.

I think that if you need time to grieve, it makes sense to give that to yourself. You are allowed to have all the feelings you have about this as the reality sinks in and you come to terms with it. I'd just also encourage you to keep talking to people in your support net, including us here and your therapist. You might also want to think about a friend or two that you trust and can tell about this so they can help be good friends to you and give you some extra support. <3

[rodi]

What now? Dad says this and that, people keep talking as if at some point a switch will flip and i'll be a father with dad mode, marcela included, but what if i never do, it feels like this fetus is trying to steal my life from me.

[Heather]

Again, a fetus isn't doing anything to you. After all, it didn't decide to exist, it's something that was a result of choices you and Marcela made. It also doesn't have any power or agency right now to do anything.

I disagree that there is a switch that just flips, without you doing anything to change your mindset, even though many parents do experience a pretty big surge of feelings after a child is born, as well as a feeling of responsibility.

To me, the what now for you in this moment is you doing work to accept that this is happening, and then starting to decide how you do or don't want to be involved from here on out (though only so far in the future, since feelings and circumstances change).

We could start to talk that through together if you like? If you would, I'd say that that involves deciding things like:
• Do you want to be involved with pre-natal care, like ultrasounds and childbirth classes?
• Do you want to be involved with the birth, or to meet your child after?
• What kind of involvement do you think you might want after the birth? Would you like to share custody in some way, or are you more envisioning that Marcela has sole custody? Would you like the infant to live with you sometimes or no? Do you want your family involved? What kind of involvement have they said they might want, and how might they be willing to help you, Marcela, or both?
• What's important for you to keep doing or to do regardless of being a parent? I'm talking about things like finishing school, about daily activities like working out that are important to you, other relationships, etc?
• What kind of education/information do you need about parenting or your rights as a parent to go along with what you do or don't want around this?

[rodi]

1 What does being involved with pre-natal care mean, is just being there with her during childbirth and exams? I don't think I want to, not for now.
2 I'm open to meeting the baby after birth, I think being there for the birth might be too much.
3 I don't know what exactly am I supposed to do after birth. I can do stuff like feed, change diapers, spend time. If she has sole custody, does that mean i can't see him ever or only see him with her? I'd like my family to be involved, he'd be part of the family I think, it'd be unfair to not let them near him, my grandparents and dad and uncle would help, they wouldn't blame the baby for my mistakes.
4 Dad said finishing school is non-negotiable, I didn't say i wouldn't, he just said that's my priority for now. I didn't have anything pinned for university, but that's later. My schedule is quite packed, there's school, there's sports, gym, spednign time with my friends, I want to date too, i want to have free time too. I don't really want anything to mess with my time.
5 I was talkign with dad about that, i was asking things like if the baby will have to be registered as my child, if she could just move away, she if she could prevent me from seeing him, language and school stuff, but he says i should worry about some stuff before other stuff.

[KierC]

Hey rodi,

As Heather said, pre-natal care involves doctors appointment, ultrasounds, and childbirth classes. The actual birth is separate.

After birth, you’re right that that includes feeding, changing diapers, spending time, and being responsible for their care and wellbeing. If she has full custody, I believe you could be granted visitation, but it depends on the specific arrangement you work out with her. Partial custody is also an option too, if you’d like to take care of the child part of the time.

I’m glad to hear you are staying busy with school. As we’ve said before, it’s entirely possible to live a full life with a child. Many people who are teen parents have finished school, pursued careers, traveled and created relationships while having a child. I know it feels overwhelming right now, but do know that you can still make life work.

Overall, the questions Heather mentioned aren’t things that you need to have an immediate answer for. You have some time to process this and decide what works best for you, and we can take this one step at a time. It’s just a good idea to start thinking about some of these details so they’re not as overwhelming later on. Know what I mean?

[rodi]

I don't know how present I'd be able to be with that stuff because her family hates me and maybe theyd get the wrong idea.

I don't know exactly what will happen after the baby is born. I told my friends, I don't know what I expected but they are mostly joking about it, I don't think they think less of me now.

Nest sunday is mother's day, dad gave me money to buy grandma's something, I was thinking about using the change to buy something to Marcela, nothing too expensive like $30 max, something to show things don't need to be adverserial, but i don't know if it will take it wrong. Dad keeps saying that life will be much easier for us if we stay amicable, specially because i do want to at least have accesss to my baby.

Outisde that haven't felt very good anyways, just floating seeing where things go, i'm not doign very good at school, gym, going out with my friends.

[KierC]

Hey rodi,

I think if you’d like to be around the baby in any particular way, you should be able to negotiate with Marcela and her family to arrange that. It’s hard to predict how they’ll want to do this, so at least for now we should just focus on what the ideal situation would look like for you. Know what I mean?

I hear you about wanting to buy something for Marcela. Are you two speaking right now? How are things going with that?

I’m also glad to hear you told your friends. Does them joking about it hurt your feelings, or does it help make things feel lighter? Do you feel like you could be around them more often now that they know what’s going on in your life?

[Heather]

Hey, rodi.

I think buying something for Marcela for mother's day would be a really thoughtful gesture, and I agree, it would be a nice demonstration of goodwill.

When I posed those questions to you, I meant them more for thinking about over time than for answering all right away, but it does sound like you have a pretty good sense of what you want and need to start. It also sounds like some of these are things to try and talk about with her, like you wanting the baby to also be part of your family. It sounds like it might be hard for her to accept that the relationship between you is going to be one of friends (if you can swing it, and hopefully you can) and co-parents, rather than being a couple, but that part is her work to do, and you planting seeds for the kind of relationship with her you do want, and that you think you'll want to have when it comes to your kid is a really good thing, I think.

In terms of your friends, I'm afraid that given the amount of emotional maturity this requires, and the age of your friends (not to mention the culture of machismo so pervasive in Brazil), you might have a hard time finding friends who really handle this the way friends should, not by joking about it, but by offering you things like emotional support, needed distraction to help manage your stress, and other parts of friendship that's more than surface-based, if you get me. I don't suppoose you have any friends who aren't guys, do you? I ask because it may be, given how these things tend to go, that your friends who are girls or nonbinary might do a better job around this with you than many of your guy friends.

[rodi]

Hi kierc. Negotiations are difficult because they are still mad at me, but I'm speaking with her it's complicated, her brotehr hasn't bothered me since and her father sometiems gives me mean looks when when cross paths. And no my friends making jokes doesnt hurting my feelings, it's more like no one seems to understand how hard it's for me, I told them but i still feel quite unmotivated to do anything, with or without them.

Hi heather, i bought her a piece of jewelry, I don't know if she'll like it. And I do have friends who are girls, no nonbinary friends, but none are as close as a my male friends. Well now everyone knows, the girls just look at me like i'm an alien. Dad said he managed to stay close to his friends even after i was born so i am hopeful that i won't be alone. I don't know what comes next, maybe trying to make peace with her parents.

[Heather]

You know, with Marcela and her family, I think one of the tricky things is that we don't know -- and it sounds like you don't either -- how her family are treating her. It could be that the way her family are treating you actually isn't that different from how they are treating her. From what you have told us about them, I can't say I'd be all that surprised. I wonder if maybe that could be something you find out before we try and strategize what you might be able to do to start to try and make some peace with them?

Whether or not she likes it, I really think that's a nice and important gesture, and good you thought of it.

With your friends, it sounds like you're being honest with them about how you feel, which is great. Are there maybe one or two you could talk to and ask if you can fill them in more on how this is for you so they can better understand?

[rodi]

She talks about how her family treats her all the time, that's how we started talking shedcomplain about her parents, she didnt like it before, but now it got worse and more restrictive, in their religion they have stupid rules about sex before getting marriage being a bad thing so they are on her about that, i was worried about it before she told her parents cause she made them sound a lot more hardcore, but i don't know what happens other than what she tells me.

My friends dont understand, they aren't mean they jsut don't understand, that's the problem, it'sl ike i'm on my own.

[Sofi]

Hi rodi, I'm sorry to hear your friends don't understand what you're going through. As Heather said, it isn't surprising at your age that boys would have the emotional maturity to handle this well for their friend. It really sucks that has left you feeling lonely. Have you tried to talk to some of them more seriously about it and they didn't react well/just joked, or are you just not really wanting to even try?