Orgasm
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Becky
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2024 5:29 pm
- Age: 33
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: She/They
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: USA
Re: Orgasm
Hey Kaira! Welcome to the boards <3
I think it's important that we back up here a little bit. First of all, let's explore *why* you want to experience an orgasm. Sometimes, putting the pressure on yourself that this is something you absolutely *have* to do can actually make orgasming more difficult. Sexual pleasure should be about exploration and finding what feels good to you-- not forcing yourself to rush through checkpoints or tick off a box.
Second, orgasms happen mostly in our brain. Things like stress, depression, lack of sleep, etc. can affect our ability to experience an orgasm. How has your mental health been lately? Are you able to take care of yourself physically and mentally?
I'm also going to drop a few articles/advice columns here for you to explore. This is a common concern that a lot of people have and can usually be fixed with a bit of patience and exploration.
When the Big O is a No-Show
How to Have Your First Orgasm: A Primer for Cisgender Women
Why Can't I Orgasm (Advice Column)
I think it's important that we back up here a little bit. First of all, let's explore *why* you want to experience an orgasm. Sometimes, putting the pressure on yourself that this is something you absolutely *have* to do can actually make orgasming more difficult. Sexual pleasure should be about exploration and finding what feels good to you-- not forcing yourself to rush through checkpoints or tick off a box.
Second, orgasms happen mostly in our brain. Things like stress, depression, lack of sleep, etc. can affect our ability to experience an orgasm. How has your mental health been lately? Are you able to take care of yourself physically and mentally?
I'm also going to drop a few articles/advice columns here for you to explore. This is a common concern that a lot of people have and can usually be fixed with a bit of patience and exploration.
When the Big O is a No-Show
How to Have Your First Orgasm: A Primer for Cisgender Women
Why Can't I Orgasm (Advice Column)
“All of us have to learn how to invent our lives, make them up, imagine them. We need to be taught these skills; we need guides to show us how. If we don't, our lives get made up for us by other people.” -- Ursula K. Le Guin
Re: Orgasm
Mentally i am completely okay, havent feel stressed in awhile as school ended and my life is amazing now. Physically when i touch myself there or grind against something i feel amused and get wet, but i just dont feel the orgasm. I just feel like i masturbated and thats all, i am amused when doing it but after i am not very happy because i cant feel the orgasm
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10965
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
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- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: Orgasm
Hi there, Kaira.
Probably it isn't something you can feel because it isn't happening for you yet.
You say you have tried almost everything. Can I check in with you that what you have been doing as far as masturbation:
• Is only something you do when you're actually turned on/aroused, not just when you're bored or trying to orgasm out of frustration? And that you are also focusing on pleasure -- on what feels good -- and not on trying to make an orgasm happen?
• Is led by what actually feels good to you -- not just what amuses you -- and that you have found things to do that feel very good, and that you're doing them in such a way that you get more and more excited as you go?
Probably it isn't something you can feel because it isn't happening for you yet.
You say you have tried almost everything. Can I check in with you that what you have been doing as far as masturbation:
• Is only something you do when you're actually turned on/aroused, not just when you're bored or trying to orgasm out of frustration? And that you are also focusing on pleasure -- on what feels good -- and not on trying to make an orgasm happen?
• Is led by what actually feels good to you -- not just what amuses you -- and that you have found things to do that feel very good, and that you're doing them in such a way that you get more and more excited as you go?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Re: Orgasm
Yes, i am masturbating when i am turned on, not like every day, mostly while i am ovulating as i am then turned on the most.
I do things that i actually enjoy AND feel amused of doing, i think it is both. I am sometimes exploring new ways, also trying things that I dont really like at first but proceed to do it, cause maybe I will like it after awhile. I did it with riding pillow, i didnt enjoy it at first but then i kept doing it and now i reaaaally enjoy it.
I mostly get turned on while reading smuts or fluff, I touch myself when reading it and i feel that i am wet. Then proceed to touch myself or do other things, but nothing comes after, i am just wet all time.
I do things that i actually enjoy AND feel amused of doing, i think it is both. I am sometimes exploring new ways, also trying things that I dont really like at first but proceed to do it, cause maybe I will like it after awhile. I did it with riding pillow, i didnt enjoy it at first but then i kept doing it and now i reaaaally enjoy it.
I mostly get turned on while reading smuts or fluff, I touch myself when reading it and i feel that i am wet. Then proceed to touch myself or do other things, but nothing comes after, i am just wet all time.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10965
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: Orgasm
Thanks for filling me in.
Doing things that don't feel good because you think you may enjoy them in time isn't really the way to go with this. Instead, you want to just do what feels good to you, and that you want to do, at the time. If something doesn't feel good that day, don't do that thing. Stick with what actually feels good.
Can I also ask how much time you're giving to your masturbation sessions? If it's less than 15 minutes or so, I'd suggest making more time for this, and starting with body parts besides just your genitals: our whole bodies are sexual organs, after all, and if we only engage our genitals, that tends to make any kind of sex, including masturbation, more lackluster than it usually will be otherwise.
When you're doing this, are you trying to have an orgasm or thinking about your frustrations with reaching orgasm? If so, those things always make orgasm much less likely to happen. Instead you don't want to think about orgasm, you just want to be as in the moment with pleasure as you can. When people try to orgasm, that takes the focus off of just exploring and experiencing pleasure, which is what actually leads to orgasm (when it does).
Doing things that don't feel good because you think you may enjoy them in time isn't really the way to go with this. Instead, you want to just do what feels good to you, and that you want to do, at the time. If something doesn't feel good that day, don't do that thing. Stick with what actually feels good.
Can I also ask how much time you're giving to your masturbation sessions? If it's less than 15 minutes or so, I'd suggest making more time for this, and starting with body parts besides just your genitals: our whole bodies are sexual organs, after all, and if we only engage our genitals, that tends to make any kind of sex, including masturbation, more lackluster than it usually will be otherwise.
When you're doing this, are you trying to have an orgasm or thinking about your frustrations with reaching orgasm? If so, those things always make orgasm much less likely to happen. Instead you don't want to think about orgasm, you just want to be as in the moment with pleasure as you can. When people try to orgasm, that takes the focus off of just exploring and experiencing pleasure, which is what actually leads to orgasm (when it does).
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Re: Orgasm
I think sessions are not short, but also not so long, maybe 20-30 minutes? Never counted it.
While doing it i think about both things, that i feel the pleasure of the moment and i enjoy what i am doing but also i think that i cant orgasm. Sometimes i only think about the pleasure and sometimes only about the frustration, cant really tell the one way.
Thanks for your advice, i will stick to what I really enjoy, not doing things that i dont like
Can i also ask, how can i spot orgasm? Maybe i just dont spot it…
While doing it i think about both things, that i feel the pleasure of the moment and i enjoy what i am doing but also i think that i cant orgasm. Sometimes i only think about the pleasure and sometimes only about the frustration, cant really tell the one way.
Thanks for your advice, i will stick to what I really enjoy, not doing things that i dont like
Can i also ask, how can i spot orgasm? Maybe i just dont spot it…
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Becky
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2024 5:29 pm
- Age: 33
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: She/They
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: USA
Re: Orgasm
Orgasm often feels like tension and then a release. But it's tricky to describe because it looks and feels different for everyone. And sometimes it will be stronger and other times it could just be a small orgasm-- so small some people don't even notice it's happened.
Check out this article we have on the Sexual Response Cycle it will explain what happens before, during, and after orgasm.
Check out this article we have on the Sexual Response Cycle it will explain what happens before, during, and after orgasm.
“All of us have to learn how to invent our lives, make them up, imagine them. We need to be taught these skills; we need guides to show us how. If we don't, our lives get made up for us by other people.” -- Ursula K. Le Guin
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