dad wants transfem to try her penis

[leaflet owo]

So my dad just had "the talk" with me, except it was a little weird. Actually I liked how gentle and lighthearted it was. This is a difficult topic and my parents have a hard time talking about serious stuff like this and so this was a nice dynamic between us. I was kinda being playful and chill about it which allowed him to say more.
At some point we got to the "don't forget to use condoms" and "you aren't getting mtf vaginoplasty until you try out your penis at least once so that we are all sure you are making the right descision in changing your body in this much of a big way" part. I freaked out. I didn't really speak out, but still. I'm a girl born with a penis (transfem as most would call it) and I want it OFF MY BODY. I want a VAGINA and when I have sex I want their vagina and girls in my vagina. I have known this for four years??? It has been my end goal for my transition (biologically, I already acheived all / most of my socialogical goals for my transition hurrah!) since I was 13.
(This would probably be a good time to mention (before I start crashing out) that my parents have supported me in literally everything I do except in my pursuit of poly (which even though I am still attracted to people polyamourously I do not find those relationships alluring anymore) and in this. They love me and I love them too so much but this is just breaking my brain. I haven't told them about any of the experience that I have had with sex and sexuality because as I said they are shy about it and don't know how to talk about it.)
I cannot legally have the surgery until I am 19 years old, which already sucks because the end goal used to be 18 years old. I just want to get rid of this abomination sticking out of my OWN BODY and they won't let me do that until then. I had already come to terms with the time gap a few/a month(s) ago, but now I have to use this abomination to get it off???? I mean he's obviously bias, him and my mom had two children and probably did it more than that, so he must be like "oh it feels great you should really try it before taking it off" and I'm here thinking _well, FATHER, I already masturbated more than once, since I was 14 because I was curious and I have HATED it EVERY TIME but I still do it because I AM A FUCKING BASTARD WHO CANNOT GET ENOUGHT OF IT AND I HATE IT AND I WANT IT OFF AND IF (when) I HAVE SEX I WANT IT WITH A GIRL EATING OUT MY PUSSY._
Actually correction: I have already had sex several times; I do it giving pleasure to other girls and that is perfectly fine. I love it when they feel good and that is more than enough pleasure for me. I have managed to get pleasure in other ways that DON'T INVOLVE PENETRATION SO PLEASE WHY DO YOU SAY THAT????????? My dad told me "erm well actually sex starts when the penis enters the vagina" NO IT DOESN'T DAD. THERE IS A LOT MORE TO SEX THAN JUST THAT AND I AM DOING JUST FINE FINDING OTHER WAYS. I don't want to penetrate anyone with this demonic sausage and I just want it out and off my body before it comes down to that. Please please please I just want it offf.


aaaaaaaa this was it. what do i do? how can i tell him this? that I have had sex several times? that I have masturbated in the family bathroom every single month (and over a few time periods every single day) for the last three years and I hate it / I don't feel anything even though semen comes spewing out? fuck. I strongly dislike this. I want my girls touching my vagina and my boobs. I don't want any girls touching my penis.

( a lil more backstory, i discovered trans when I was 12. I started my transition with the way i present myself at 13. I started hormone therapy at 16 in may (2025), and right about last november i came to peace / satisfaction with the levels of femininity i presented myself. I am 17, and I was really planning to show up to college with a vagina)

Thank you sm for your help
- leaflet

[mikky]

Hey leaflet,

As I think you know, your dad, and really nobody but you, gets to decide how you have sex. Nope x1000000. Nope nope nope nope. I am very, very sorry that he said this, and thought it was an appropriate thing to say. And I don’t think you owe him the details or experiences of your private experiences with your body, and what has felt pleasurable and not to you. I know that gets really stripped away when you are a young person and when you are a person who is seeking extremely politicized and inaccessible healthcare.

I’m wondering how much conviction he has in this idea. Do you think this is something that your other parent would be able to intervene on? Is he the kinda guy who sometimes says something totally thoughtless, or is he usually careful with what he says? Even without giving him the full details of how you specifically feel around sex and currently having a penis, I think sharing the emotional side of things– that hearing this from him, when you usually anticipate support and love, was really upsetting– might be worth trying.

I also wonder if you would find it at all helpful to have us here write something to him explaining the importance of preserving your autonomy as much as possible, and not orchestrating your sexual activities? Or we could put together a bundle of articles/resources for you to pass on to him? I am more than happy to tell him that it is not appropriate, and why it is not appropriate, to tell your teenage daughter that she needs to have sex a certain way in order to earn medical decisions.

[leaflet owo]

He is a very thoughtful guy and considers very thouroughly everything he says. My mom is no better in that aspect, she is a lot more emotional and squirmy about the subject, and would probably take my dad's side on this situation. Heck, I bet that they talked about this before we had the talk and after it too. They are so suspicious when it comes to conversations like this. ughh i wish that they were more open about this.

thank you so much for your support! it means a lot, i didn't know that it would. . A letter from strangers about this probably wouldn't be good, as he straight up told me that the (he and my mom) wish that I came to them with all my sex-ed questions instead of "strangers on the internet." He's not wrong about the strangers part, but at least here I feel understood and able to be open about my body and sexuality.

I actually had a conversation with my mom like yesterday day, where she told me that the reason that she is so squirmy about "that" (we were talking about sex but she was avoiding the word so i just straight up said smth like "we can mention sex you know?") is because her parents were so strict on her because they didn't want her ending up with a drunk abusive husband, so they didn't allow her any romantic freedom until she was economically independant and she was ready to marry the guy (huh??), and smth smth smth cheating smth smth multiple people in a relationship and I said "poly relationships exist mom. and they actually work out with the right people" and she didn't believe me. ughh. sorry im ranting but I can't really memntion this to anyone else


I think I'm just going to tell my dad after a while (a year? a few months?) that I had sex and hated it and I want a vagina please sign my papers (will they question when I had it? will they not let me go out anymore? will I need to move out to say i had sex? should I tell them I had sex for the first time at 13? should i say i've had more partners than I've had years in high school?)

[leaflet owo]

and on the emotional side of things, they say that they want me to be okay with my body before I change it. They want me to come to terms with my past and learn to love myself as I am, which I agree with. I have gotten a lot less evasive of my penis; last year i wouldn't have been able to admit i had a penis. I still strongly dislike it and want it off though. I've wanted a vagina for as long as I remember being consious, and it really is the end goal. I would like to have a uterous and ovaries too and to have a menstrual cycle like a cis girl, but unfortunatley that isn't going to happen with the technology available to us today, so I just sit at "I just want a vagina." They are scared that if I still want more even with these substantial changes to myself so far, who's to say that I won't want more after I get the vagina? I don't comprehend how I could want more... femininity? than having a vagina? and heck, some girlies are so femininly fine and don't have vaginas or big boobs or dress slutty and stuff. I don't know how to tell them that I know what I want. also, how do I even know what I want? Sometimes i'm scared that this transition is all in my head because of i dunno something or someone i saw when I was younger and that these feelings aren't real, but I'm sure that they are. ughhh

[mikky]

Hey again,

So, it doesn’t sound like he’ll wake up tomorrow and go, “whoops! I just realized that was a crummy thing to say!”, but I do wonder if you take some time to feel your frustration and hurt, you might be able to have a better conversation with your parents in the future about this. Part of this will likely be helping them understand that loving yourself as you are does NOT mean you need to use your penis to have sex you don’t want to have.

Navigating talking about bodies, sex, all of this stuff with parents can be so hard, and props to you for trying. As your mom seemed to be communicating, our parents often have so much of their own experiences and histories and ways they were raised and feelings that will affect how they show up in these conversations. And it does seem like they want to try to show up for you, maybe in ways that are a wee bit impractical (yes, Scarleteen is on the internet, but we take a lot of care to provide accurate information, we are well trained to do this, our director has been steering this ship since 1998 and has been outstanding in the youth sex ed field for that whole time…so we’re often better equipped than the average parent to do sex ed ).

You say “They are scared that if I still want more even with these substantial changes to myself so far, who's to say that I won't want more after I get the vagina?”
Do you think that possibly, their worry is more about you not feeling a sense of self love and acceptance post surgery than it is about you wanting “more?”

Overall, I’m thinking that:

• Your parents care a lot about you and your wellbeing, and take great investment in your wellbeing

• You care about how your parents think of you, and do include your parents in your life, including in considering big and very complicated decisions and plans

• Your dad has expressed that care in a way that is wholly inappropriate (and more than a little ridiculous)

• Hearing that from your dad is upsetting in many ways, including the idea that this could present a barrier to accessing the healthcare you want, and in being able to have truthful conversations with him about these decisions and sex in general.

I hope that you can truly take some time to be frustrated/pissed off/upset at him if you need it– which, I think is really healthy for teenagers– but eventually, try to let him know why this is upsetting, rather than planning to tell him information he doesn’t actually need (or probably want) to know, or to lie.

[leaflet owo]

Woah, that's a lot of rhetoricals. Thank you so much for your help! I'm talking with my therapist about this now and we'll see how it goes. Thank you for your support as well, the level of it that you have was actually surprising.

Hope to talk to you again,
- Leaflet

[leaflet owo]

Hi Scarleteen!

It's been a hot minute and I've been thinking about this a lot in my free time. I think that if I explained to my dad that what he asked me was innapropriate, and explained it well, he would understand. Unfortunately, I am not confident that I would be able to explain that to him. Fortunately, I have Scarleteen!


Mikky, you had offered,
"I also wonder if you would find it at all helpful to have us here write something to him explaining the importance of preserving your autonomy as much as possible, and not orchestrating your sexual activities? Or we could put together a bundle of articles/resources for you to pass on to him? I am more than happy to tell him that it is not appropriate, and why it is not appropriate, to tell your teenage daughter that she needs to have sex a certain way in order to earn medical decisions."

I would really appreciate if you could write a something explaining that. I think it would mean a lot more coming from experienced proffesional sex educators than coming from me, their supposed unexperienced daughter.


Thank you so much for your help and guidance!
- Leafelt

[Heather]

Hey there, leaflet.

We can by all means write a letter like this for you, but I want to make sure that you know that there is likely nowhere in the United States (or in most countries) that would perform a vaginoplasty for a minor, even with a parent's permission. Right now, in many places, many minors now can't even get puberty blockers or other hormone therapy, even with parental consent. Elective genital surgeries are way, way out of the question for minors, especially under this administration. I'm sorry if I'm the person who has to be the bearer of that news for you, but I do think that as unwanted as it is, you'll have to accept that you're almost certainly going to go to college with the body parts you currently have. If you want to talk about how to make some peace with that, I'm happy to pitch in with things like talking about how common these organs actually are and ways to, in the meantime, perhaps think about the genitals you have differently so you can feel more comfortable while you wait until surgery is an option for you. <3

So, I think trying to talk to them about signing papers just isn't something that makes sense, because it is very, very unlikely that you will be able to do anything in terms of medical or surgical transition in this country until you're at least 19, just because this administration that's got all the hospitals and healthcare providers running so scared is out of office (gods willing).

As well, if the assumption is that even at or after 19, this is something your parents could automatically fund, I'd also figure that's probably not something you should assume or count on. Vaginoplasty generally costs upwards of 20,000 dollars, and insurance doesn't cover it because it's considered elective by insurers. I don't know what your families' economic status is, but particularly if they're pitching in or paying for college, I think you might need to consider that it may be something you'll need to fund on your own, or at least in part. I don't say this stuff to break your heart, but rather, to help you make a realistic plan for yourself so you can eventually get to what you want.

I do agree with Mikky that a parent telling you to do sexual things is not appropriate no matter what the situation is. We can certainly write something about that if you like, but I personally feel that what's going to be the most effective is for you to set a clear and firm boundary around this -- "It's not appropriate as a parent to tell me, your child, to do sexual things, so I need to set a boundary with you. Please do not say things like this to me again." -- and then to hold that boundary if your farther or either of your parents crosses it.

I do also want to add something about this:

they say that they want me to be okay with my body before I change it. They want me to come to terms with my past and learn to love myself as I am, which I agree with.

Being "okay with our bodies" is something that is going to be very, very difficult in some kind of permanent way when we're in our teens, no matter what your embodiment, gender, or other specific situations are. I bet you any amount of money that at least one, if not both, of your parents were absolutely not "okay with their bodies" full-stop at your age, because almost no one is. Learning to be comfortable with and accept our bodies as they are tends to be a lifelong process for people (including because they are always changing!), not something people can do so early on, especially in a world and cultures that create such impossible standards for them.

But, as you know, that's also a pretty bonkers thing to ask someone with dysphoria. You literally can't just be okay with your body when you have body dysphoria: that's what dysphoria generally is, not being okay with your body. No one can just magic that way (even wanted surgical interventions will rarely solve for it alone). It sounds like your parents could perhaps stand to read some more about being trans and dysphoria, in particular. We can certainly suggest some books written for parents of trans kids/teens for them, too.

Same goes with loving ourselves as we are. That's a great goal, for all of us, but that's something that tends to take people decades of life. It's not usually something attainable when we're not even out of our teens. Again, it's pretty unlikely your parents were able to do that for themselves at this age, too. It might be helpful to ask them to think about how they felt about their bodies and selves at 17. Did they accept all of their bodies? Did they love themselves just as they were? Reflecting on that for themselves may help them see that they'd be asking unrealistic things of you even if you were a cisgender person.

Lastly, your therapist may also be someone who can help here. You can always ask a therapist if they'd be willing to have an appointment with you and your parents to help medicate and guide these kinds of conversations. I certainly can't imagine a therapist would think it was a good idea for parents to be telling their kids to have certain kinds of sex -- I'm about 110% sure they, tool, would recognize that that shows a pretty serious lack of healthy boundaries that we generally need in families when it comes to sex. Might that be someone you can round up and ask for help with this, too?

[leaflet owo]

woah


woah
thats a lot of infos

yeah i was aware about the age restriction for the surgery. I'm just mad that they changed that. When I was in middle school the end goal was at 18, now it's at ninteen years old. not super glad.

i'm gonna start responding to things you sent

I'm happy to pitch in with things like talking about how common these organs actually are and ways to, in the meantime, perhaps think about the genitals you have differently so you can feel more comfortable while you wait until surgery is an option for you.

I would like some advice on how to think about the organs differently. I've trying for a while but it's just ughh. (also i'm assuming about 50% of the popualtion has penises?)

I don't say this stuff to break your heart, but rather, to help you make a realistic plan for yourself so you can eventually get to what you want.

yeah, it's really useful to actually know the stats. tyy. I've been searching for a while the price of the surgery and insurance policies but ig I'm not looking in the right places. Using this to make a realistic plan would probably be a good next step, it also seems like something really big. Could I get some help on things to consider to actually flesh this out? (Is it too early to start thinking about that? I really want my vagina)

I personally feel that what's going to be the most effective is for you to set a clear and firm boundary around this

This seems a little scary, but I can definitely do that. ig I'll practice a few times and learn how to say it in spanish (we speak spanish) which makes it a little scarier (but also I would much rather have this conversation with them in Spanish than in english. Despite being slightly better at english it also seems strange and foreign especially towards my parents). Something that I'm not so sure on, what if they retaliate? What if, like my mom when i talked to her about polya relationships, they just say "no, that's not true" or smth? Or "I don't believe you" or "that might be true but you need to tell me anyways"
genuinely scary
'

Being "okay with our bodies" is something that is going to be very, very difficult in some kind of permanent way when we're in our teens, no matter what your embodiment, gender, or other specific situations are.

oh yea i forgot about that. I think that this is something that they'll understand. tyy i'll ask them the qs you suggested.

But, as you know, that's also a pretty bonkers thing to ask someone with dysphoria. You literally can't just be okay with your body when you have body dysphoria: that's what dysphoria generally is, not being okay with your body.

oh yeaaa. i forgot about this too. ha. no wonder i feel so insecure. That's a nice reminder ty
some sources for them to read might be useful please. I don't necessarily like using the label "trans" for myself, it'- I just don't like it. i think it's a dysphoria thing? I don't know how comfortable I would feel if they read information for parents with trans kids.

therapist smth

This is a great idea! I'll talk to my therapist about this and see how we (I?) can work things out. thnak youu



Thank you so much for your help and facts and opinions, it really is magical to have a resource like Scarleteen to navigate these situations

- leaflet

[Heather]

Oh, I'm so glad you feel that way and that we're helpful for you.

yeah i was aware about the age restriction for the surgery. I'm just mad that they changed that. When I was in middle school the end goal was at 18, now it's at ninteen years old. not super glad.

I get it. Having a date change for the worse with any countdowns we're doing, about things that are critically important to us is a real punch in the gut. We're all mad they changed that around here, and absolutely understand how you're feeling. It's hard enough to be gender-nonconforming (gotcha on not liking trans as an identifier for yourself: this one feel any better?), and politicians making it harder on purpose is just unforgivable in my book.

In terms of information to share with your parents: I hear you on what language you use for yourself and what you don't like, but if they've been part of getting you hormone therapy, surely *they* have gotten information, at least from your medical provider, about gender-nonconforming people and youth, and a lot of that will use "trans" as its language. You could offer them up some things to read that use that -- and I can see what we can find that's Spanish-language if that feels like the best bet -- while still letting them know that that's not a term *you* use for yourself, if you like. It's just going to be very hard to find information for your parents about all of this that doesn't use the word trans anywhere, let alone that doesn't mostly use that term. What do you think?

I don't think it's too early for you to start thinking about the financial and other logistical planning for a surgery you want in the future. It's not like it harms anyone to plan ahead for things, and for things that cost a whole lot of money, planning ahead just makes sense. It might be difficult for you to do that like someone in their 20s or 30s with a job might, just because there will be so many things you don't know for sure yet (When will you start having an income? What will it look like? What will your other expenses be, like for shelter and food? etc.) but you can still start thinking about plans. Let's come back to this one if you still want to after we finish talking about some other things, okay?

In terms of thinking differently about your genitals, and maybe genitals in particular, I'm just going to throw some things out there. You won't hurt my feelings by finding some of them useful and not others, or even by finding none of them useful. I hope some of this will be, but if not, we'll just see if we can't find some other ways to help you feel more comfortable over the next few years.

The first thing that always comes to my mind when I hear people talking about penises/testes and vulvas/vaginas in particular being so different is that that hasn't been my experience. I'm someone who has seen a loooooooot of genitals in my personal life of both types, and who also knows a lot about them because of my job. To me, they're different kinds of the same thing rather than two different things.

Did you know that when we are embryos in utero, for instance, that for the first two months or so of a pregnancy, our genitals are all pretty much the same? Only after that do those external structures become different. And even the way they become different is still pretty similar. Ovaries and testicles are very similar. The clitoral glans and the head of a penis are very similar. The clitoral hood and the foreskin are similar. Both structures can and do become erect. When we are talking about the genitals people are born with and that develop without surgeries, and we consider the internal portions of the clitoris, not just the ones that can be seen on the outside, the penis and the clitoris are outrageously similar in both size and structure. In other words, in a lot of ways, you already have some of a vulva already, and I'm not just saying that because if and when you have a vaginoplasty, it will be constructed from the genital tissue you currently have (which means that in a lot of ways, even when you're looking at your penis right now, you're looking at your future vulva and vagina).

I also want to make sure that you've seen/read someone like Liz here -- https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... t-girldick -- use other words for their penis before when they have a penis but aren't and don't want to be a man. You get to still think of it as and call it a penis if you want to, but you don't have to, either. You can also start6 thinking about it as something else, and using different words for it may help you do that.

Lastly, you said:

Something that I'm not so sure on, what if they retaliate? What if, like my mom when i talked to her about polya relationships, they just say "no, that's not true" or smth? Or "I don't believe you" or "that might be true but you need to tell me anyways" genuinely scary

I don't think I'd call this retaliation, but I wonder if you might be able to talk a little to me about why a response like that would feel scary to you. I get that a response like that sucks, for sure, especially when it comes from people who don't actually know what is or isn't true, or when what we're talking about is something like our feelings or identity, where someone else can't actually speak for us, period.

Without knowing why that feels so scary to you, what I'd say about if they come back to you telling them facts or feelings and then refuting either, is that that can be okay. If it's feelings, we can tell someone like that, "You can believe me or not, but that doesn't change that it is how I feel." If it's facts they are saying aren't true, we can come back to them with sources for our facts, and tell them that actually, they're misinformed, and these are the facts from people who know best. For example, no, sex is not only when a penis is involved or when a penis is inside someone else's body. Modern sex therapists, sex educators, sex researchers and other sexuality professionals haven't defined sex that way for decades, at a minimum, and while some cisgender heterosexual people still do define it that way for themselves, that doesn't make them right about how sex is defined more generally. If someone comes back and says, Yes, it is," we can come back to them by letting them know that while that is clearly their opinion, sexuality professionals do have objective ways of defining sex that more accurately represent all of human sexuality, like this.

That was all already a lot, so feel free to focus on whichever parts of this you want to and we can just keep talking in the ways that serve you best. <3