Can I be a boy and a girl? Can someone be transmasc and a girl?

[coffeebeans]

Idk if I sound ignorant. But like what if someone wanted to transition to be a boy but also sees themselves as a girl . What if I wanted to be fluid? Idk can you be both?

[amber]

Hi coffeebeans!

You don't sound ignorant and I can assure you people have felt similarly before.

I see you've chatted with us before about the desire to find labels that fit for you, so I don't think it's a surprise that what I will say first is that labels are meant to fit us, not us into labels. Fitting yourself into a box sounds like the exact opposite of what would be helpful for you at this time.

Instead, I think it could be helpful to breakdown what you mean by 'transition' or seeing yourself as a girl. What does this look like in your expression, the way you dress? How about how people refer to you?

Does that make sense?

[coffeebeans]

Idk I like being a girl but I won't mind if I was a boy . If I could change the way people see me I would be a boy. Or maybe look fluid. I do realize it's not good to put myself in a box. It's not nice yet it kinda frustrating that gender feels binary when it isn't. I which I could switch between bodies whenever I want. I also know I'm not going to be perceived well if I was a guy. I'm black if I was a muscular guy people wouldn't view me as soft at least I don't think so. Idk how to explain it I wish I had the words it's probably something I internalized. I don't know what it called but like it feels like people view masculinity on black people very different from someone with lighter skin or white. If I was like a dude that like to be feminine would I be seen as gay? Not that there's anything wrong with being gay I don't mind but I feel like it wouldn't be seen as cute . Idk what I'm saying but I guess I'll have to figure out what masculinity means to me.

But I would also like to be referred to as a girl. I guess I'm use to it . It feels nice but wrong to just be a girl . I wish I was fluid or both or neither at the same time. But I guess I have to just be okay with just being for now.

[char]

Hi coffeebeans,

You're right, there's nothing wrong with just Being at the moment while taking your time to understand what femininity, masculinity, androgyny, and more mean to you. No one but you can decide how you'd like to view your own gender, including the words you use to describe it.

I think I get what you mean about how one's gender identity and presentation is perceived when they are Black. As far as my knowledge goes (so feel free to point out any misunderstandings, as I am not Black myself), a huge part of racism--specifically anti-Blackness--stem from the inaccurate that Black people are inherently physically stronger than white people and, thus, a threat. This incorrect and harmful belief is also why Black people, especially Black trans women, become a common target of racism and hate. Could that be what you mean when you talk about the way people view masculinity in Black people?

It's not nice yet it kinda frustrating that gender feels binary when it isn't.

I hear you! Unfortunately, due to colonialism, a lot of societies began adopting binarist gender identities, when that wasn't the case back then. For example, there's a community in one of the provinces of my country that recognizes at least five gender identities. Do you think learning about these non-Western frameworks of gender can help you feel better?

[coffeebeans]

Hi char
Yes I think that what I meant but I know I don't have control over how people view me or other black people in general.

Can you tell me more about the non western frameworks of gender please. I m sorry I took so long to respond.

[Straif]

Hi Coffeebeans,

Don't worry about when you reply; we're not going anywhere, and we're happy to pick up conversations at your pace. I'm really glad that you're in a place where you're allowing yourself to be. It's not easy.

Before I answer your question about non-Western perspectives on gender, I want to circle back to what you were saying about not being able to be seen as soft and masculine as a Black person. The history of white people casting Black masculinity as dangerous to justify state violence against them is a long one. Fortunately, there are a lot of Black transmasc and/or non-binary folks who have spoken to how they navigate and dismantle that legacy of violence on their own gender journeys. This Medium piece from Melz Owusu is one great example, Black Trans Bois and Reimagining Masculinity.

The masculinity I have (re)imagined for myself and always endeavour to live out is a masculinity that is soft, that is caring, that is open, that is loving, that is patient, that is kind, that is accepting, and that will wear nail polish and give zero fucks.

Even if giving zero fucks feels aspirational at this point, you too get to (re)imagine how you want to embody your gender. For more inspiration on this front, may I introduce you to...

J Mase III

Ignacio Rivera

Dr. Kai Green

Tunde Olaniran

Another great starting point might be How to Reconnect With Your Body In Spite of the Impact of White Supremacy. Nefertari Sloan does a great job of explaining how white supremacy oversimplifies gender and sexuality along with some really good advice. It doesn't explicitly talk about decolonization or Eurocentrism, but they are inevitably bound up together.

And this is where I get to answering your most recent question about non-Western approaches to gender You'll hear a lot of folks talking about decolonizing ____, but it's important to be clear about what that means. European colonialism raged for hundreds of years, so even though most (but not all) colonial states were ended by the mid-20th century, the legacy of loss, underdevelopment, and imagined racial hierarchies continues to show up in a million ways, big and small. Identifying and challenging those million different permutations of neocolonialism is a vast and ongoing project to which a LOT of incredibly smart and thoughtful folks have contributed to over the years. As Dr. Sarah Trembath explains, part of that project is literal decolonization that "occurs when colonized people militarily overthrow an occupying power or, more rarely, negotiate their freedom in some other way and reclaim their country as independent." However, what most people are referring to when they refer to decolonization is "decoloniality," which is more about rediscovering ways of thinking that are not informed by ideologies espoused by Europeans to subjugate peoples as part of their military conquest. And gender is no exception:

Invading Europeans imposed patriarchal ideas about hierarchical gender binaries on people who already had their own, different understandings of gender. Then they spent hundreds of years doing their best to erase any trace of those people's original understandings. This has led to a lot of folks assuming that a Eurocentric understanding of gender as a binary is somehow universal or natural when it's not. While most discussion about decoloniality and gender in the United States focuses on the indigenous peoples of North America, the project of decolonial rediscovery and gender liberation is a global one. If you want to read more, here are some digestible places to start:

What Does It Mean To Decolonize Gender

Decolonizing Gender: The Zine.