Confusing feelings and emotions about sex

[Catman]

Hello there!

I am fairly new to navigating through my relationship and sex. There are times when I'm genuinely confused with what I feel and I could use some clarity about what's going on and how I can overcome it.

My girlfriend and I have been sexually active for less than 2 months. I feel comfortable for most part of it but I feel like I have an unhealthy mindset towards certain aspects of sex especially when we explore new things. It ends up with me feeling ashamed and guilty for wanting and trying out my sexual fantasies(which seem to be "vanilla" when I look it up online)

We are good at communicating and establishing our boundaries and we're always on the same page. So i know she's comfortable and likes some of the things I like. Despite this, I start to feel guilty because I associate several aspects of sex as being demeaning towards her and it feels like an internal conflict for me.

Even something as simple as trying out a particular position makes me feel like I'm "using her". I feel like my urges seem animalistic and wrong. So I get overwhelmed and freeze often.

I would really appreciate it if you could shed some light on this! Im happy to respond to any relevant questions you might have.

Thank you (:

PS: since I'm new here, i wasn't sure if mentioning what we tried would be tmi, so i skipped it!

[amber]

Hi Catman and welcome to the boards!

I wanna start by saying that there are not 'normal' sexual interests. Instead, their may be things that are more typical but that does not mean they have any value (moral or otherwise) over other sexual fantasies or desires. In fact, these thoughts or wants do not say anything about you as a person or the way you live your life otherwise. We have a newer article here which I think may be helpful to you -- Your Sexual Fantasies Reflect the Diversity of Human Sexuality, Not a Moral Failing

It is not uncommon for folks to 'worry' about gender dynamics within sex. This is largely because our current sexual scripts shame women for having and enjoying sex and in doing so often demean anything sexual that women typical do. What feels so harmful about your sexual wants with your girlfriend? Have you spoken to her about your worries at all?

[Catman]

Hi Amber! Thank you for taking the time to respond to my query (:

I think I've been categorising sexual acts as good or bad inside my mind. Idk where I learnt it but it's something I do for any action or behaviour especially because I'm self critical. Maybe it's a cultural thing because we never speak about these things at home. So it feels a bit like taboo. I also feel like a prude because I hesitate to speak about these things.

I find some acts which involves an element of roughness or me being in control more stimulating. However it also floods me with guilt because it makes me feel like I'm using my partner's body for my pleasure. Maybe because the position feels a bit disconnected and the dynamic is unbalanced? This happens despite reassurance that my partner is comfortable and enjoying.

She seems to think it's because I somehow got the idea that rough sex is bad and misogynistic. The only experience I've had with sex ed is through movies and porn. With porn, I used to watch it a fair bit when I was younger but i gave up on it because it felt fake and didn't feel natural to me. It was all a performance and it felt very patronizing. And I have this belief that it's made for the male gaze and that the women are simply performing without enjoying so i start associating most of those acts as bad. Two of my close friends(who happen to be female) have also mentioned that. I've also felt a bit shamed when they talk about men and relationships in general. I take it personally even when it doesn't involve me. So that idea has also been reinforced in my mind.

I'd like to understand myself better, especially my feelings about this subject so i can engage in sex that feels more comfortable for me and my partner. I am trying to intellectualise and understand what's going on but my emotions aren't on the same page
I'd be happy if you could nudge me in the right direction!

[Becky]

Hey Catman!

I hear a lot of things in this post. However, I think you are very much on the right track! There's a lot of messaging-- both positive and negative-- that we receive around sex. And as you've already noted this can be compounded if you grow up in a religious or conservative household or just a household that just doesn't feel comfortable talking about these things. But I think your natural curiosity is going to serve you very well! Not just in sex but in life as well. The first thing we always need to do to unpack these messages we've internalized and find our truth is to start asking questions. So good for you!! So let's get curious and break down some of the topics I see you asking questions about.

1) Enjoying rougher sex

This is perfectly normal. People of all genders enjoy rougher sex sometimes-- including women! I can see how some people might associate rougher sex with misogynistic intentions. There's a lot of gendered language around sex including that men are more aggressive, they want sex all of the time, their desire is uncontrollable, etc, etc and that women are submissive, they don't want sex as much as men do, they have to pretend like they don't want sex so men have to push them into it, etc etc... And there are definitely some men who use sex to exert power and physical abuse over women.

However, this doesn't mean that ALL rough sex is misogynistic or that a desire for rough sex means that someone is misogynistic. "Rough" sex is also associated with desire. Where you want someone so badly you have to have them RIGHT NOW. And many people find that exciting and desirable. What do you think? What feels exciting about rough sex for you?

It sounds like your partner is enjoying this as well and sounds like you are communicating regularly. Do you think she'd feel comfortable telling you if she was feeling upset? Have you had disagreements or conflict before?

If you'd like, we do have a Yes, No, Maybe Checklist that you and your partner can use to go over what you are and are not comfortable with when it comes to sex. Could be fun to do together!

2) Porn as sex ed

This is unfortunately pretty common. A lot of young people's only understanding of sex comes through pornography. That's what we're here for!

There's nothing wrong with enjoying or watching pornography but it is important to remember that it is made for entertainment-- not educational purposes. It has no requirements of being grounded in reality. And while many women do enjoy porn, you're definitely correct that a lot of it is made for the male gaze. We can get into the socioeconomic reasons behind this if you want but basically because of reasons the industry has mostly operated with men as their target audience and shaped the content around that. If you'd like to read a little bit more we have a porn primer here: Making Sense of Sexual Media

3) Shame when friends talk about men and relationships

Tell me more about this. If I had to guess I'm assuming you're referring to women making jokes like "I hate men" or "Yes all men" or "I wish I was a lesbian" or something along those lines?

How are we feeling so far? I hope that wasn't too ramble-y of a response. I think your curiosity is a really admirable quality. In my experience, people who are willing to do some questioning and unpacking of the things that have been taught to them rather than just internalizing them as inherent truths make the best partners. I think that you're on a very good path by just being open to your partners feelings and continuing to communicate with her. As long as you both are treating each other with respect and kindness I think things will be ok.

[Catman]

Hi Becky ^.^

Thanks a lot for the elaborate response! It sheds a lot of light and new insights.

I feel more at ease hearing the idea that rough sex could mean that I'm finding my partner more desirable. However i genuinely don't know why I find it more enjoyable.

About feeling shamed by my friends - I've heard a lot of jokes about hatred towards men. I genuinely feel sad and hurt when they say they feel uncomfortable when random guys hit on them during parties with the intention of sleeping with them.
Sometimes I worry that they might judge me if they knew about my fantasies (not that I'm going to discuss it with them)

Another thing i feel frustrated about it being very repressed with sexual thoughts. I tend to sugarcoat them even with my partner. I worry that it may seem derogatory in it's raw form. I flinch at the idea of using the f word or anything that may seem crass.

Bottom line, i feel low on confidence and have some amount of mental discomfort with these aspects of sex and I'd like to work on my feelings to change that.

[amber]

Hi again!

I want to reiterate what becky said about your openness and desire for growth in these areas of thought! That alone is one of the larger hurdles on the journey to unpack what we've been told about sex.

Not knowing why you like certain things is ok and pretty common. I do wonder if you have any insights in what makes rough sex feel better for you or what feels most appealing about it? For example, does it make you feel more physical pleasure, more connection with your partner, etc. It may be that that is also a tricky question and that is ok! Maybe just something to keep pondering on.

It sounds to me like these feelings could be related to some internalized issues of sex being inherently degrading towards women. Now I do not thing you necessarily think that but hear me out. The idea that women do not enjoy sex, at least as much as men, is inherently misogynistic and used to perpetuate violence against women. It stigmatizes women who have sex and tries to silence sex education which reinforces the fact that all people can enjoy sex greatly. When you generalize an entire sex position or type of sex to be demeaning you also take away the agency of the people involved. For example, your girlfriend is telling you what she likes, that it does not hurt her or feel demeaning, so now you just gotta trust her! Does that make sense?

I hear you on the hurt you feel from your friends comments. It is important to keep in mind that although men is a descriptive word to describe many people, it is also a social class which causes harm. When they make overarching statements they are more so attacking the social group rather than every individual within that group.

I think you are on the right path with unpacking some of that stigma you feel around sex. It is not easy, but unlearning that stigma is so valuable and important for our lives. Did you take a look at the Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist becky shared? I wonder if having your partner, and yourself, fill them out and then discuss your answers could be a good challenge towards working through some of that uneasiness around talking about sex...?