Wanting female friendship and connection, too scared to take the first step
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We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
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AcidBath
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Wanting female friendship and connection, too scared to take the first step
From 7th-10th grade, I was severely bullied and verbally abused by a girl who I tried to befriend. The end result has been severe trust issues, major depression, panic attacks, and a PTSD diagnosis as well as a severe fear and extreme distrust of girls. I've been in therapy for it since roughly 2024 and I've made progress, enough progress that my therapist has told me I'm at a spot to where I can try and approach and attempt to befriend a girl. But I'm still terrified at the thought and I'm terrified of getting hurt again. My other big worry is my ADHD/ASD (Level 1, previously called Asperger's, both have been professionally diagnosed) and my perceived image. Due to my ASD I can't really determine genuine interest or someone just being polite, and I don't want to be pushy or a creep. I'm 6'3" IRL and have a naturally serious expression (which my friends have oh so affectionately described as my "unapproachable resting bitch face") and I wear primarily dark clothing, and have been told I'm very intimidating by many people. I'm not what I seem to be IRL, I'm genuinely a very friendly person but too many people overlook that because of my perceived image. I guess my question is what can I do and how can I not be seen as a creep?
"Uranus and Pluto stood in conjunction in the sign of the Black Widow"
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braveSwordfish
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Re: Wanting female friendship and connection, too scared to take the first step
Hi!! I'm not a volunteer but one thing that came to mind for me is that I've met a lot of my friends through social activities and hobby groups. I think this could help in two ways; one, it would be lower stakes and could help you build trust with people (e.g.: if someone's deliberately not being a team player in a video game or in a sport, they might not be a great person to try to be friends with, at least not at first). And it can kinda go the other way, too. If you're worried about seeming unapproachable, being in group with a designated purpose gives people that reason to come up and talk to you (like, "oh hey how'd you get that new skin?" rather than "uhhhh how 'bout this weather we're having").
I don't know how you feel about online friendships, but maybe that could be a viable option as a first step as well, and might be even lower stakes (especially at first) if you're more comfortable interacting through a screen.
Like I said, I'm not a volunteer so I don't have all the expertise, but that'd just what popped into my head.
I don't know how you feel about online friendships, but maybe that could be a viable option as a first step as well, and might be even lower stakes (especially at first) if you're more comfortable interacting through a screen.
Like I said, I'm not a volunteer so I don't have all the expertise, but that'd just what popped into my head.
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char
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Re: Wanting female friendship and connection, too scared to take the first step
Hi AcidBath! I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with that "friend." I'd like to reassure you that it is never your fault for being bullied or otherwise abused. People who hurt others just because they seem "odd" and interact with others differently aren't the kind of people you want to keep in your life, ever.
As another autistic person, I can also have a rough time determining someone's intention and/or tone. For me, one of the ways I deal with it is to just ask them what they mean, especially if the circumstances allow for it. If they scoffed at your asking, that's a reflection of their impatience and lack of grace rather than you. Not everyone is going to wholly understand what we're communicating, including in face-to-face conversations--even if both parties are allistic. You've likely also heard of tone indicators, which can work wonders when properly used online. Asking for others to use one might be able to help you understand others' intention and build trust. They're definitely great to use alongside emojis, which were created for that very reason: to clearly communicate our thoughts and feelings.
You mentioned that you do have friends; would it be right to assume that the majority/all of them are boys? What has helped you interact better with them and keep them as friends? I definitely agree with braveSwordfish that joining hobby communities can help you foster confidence and trust with others, girls included. Additionally, an aspect of friendship that some people tend to forget is that friendship is maintained both ways/from all directions; just like any other relationship. You do have to actively do things that show you care for the other person (regardless of gender), that you find them an enjoyable person to be around. That can look like asking them how they're doing, appreciating them through words and/or actions, helping them when needed--basically showing up. Our article here might be helpful to you: How to Build Every Relationship from the Ground Up
As another autistic person, I can also have a rough time determining someone's intention and/or tone. For me, one of the ways I deal with it is to just ask them what they mean, especially if the circumstances allow for it. If they scoffed at your asking, that's a reflection of their impatience and lack of grace rather than you. Not everyone is going to wholly understand what we're communicating, including in face-to-face conversations--even if both parties are allistic. You've likely also heard of tone indicators, which can work wonders when properly used online. Asking for others to use one might be able to help you understand others' intention and build trust. They're definitely great to use alongside emojis, which were created for that very reason: to clearly communicate our thoughts and feelings.
You mentioned that you do have friends; would it be right to assume that the majority/all of them are boys? What has helped you interact better with them and keep them as friends? I definitely agree with braveSwordfish that joining hobby communities can help you foster confidence and trust with others, girls included. Additionally, an aspect of friendship that some people tend to forget is that friendship is maintained both ways/from all directions; just like any other relationship. You do have to actively do things that show you care for the other person (regardless of gender), that you find them an enjoyable person to be around. That can look like asking them how they're doing, appreciating them through words and/or actions, helping them when needed--basically showing up. Our article here might be helpful to you: How to Build Every Relationship from the Ground Up
Never be scared of trying to reach once more the dreams you'd briefly forgotten. / Listen to the voice of your heart. (NCT DREAM - "Unknown," 2024)
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