Just having a hard time

[braveSwordfish]

There's just a lot on my mind. My gender identity confuses and scares me more often than it's felt like a source of pride or something that can help connect me to myself. I don't really know what my gender is, probably some flavor of transmasc or nonbinary, maybe genderfluid, but I just don't know.

I do have some LGBTQ+/ally friends, but it's tough wondering what my "general population" straight friends will think. Same with my parents--they're so good to me and I love them a lot, and I really worry how I would cope if I ended up being trans or genderqueer and they weren't accepting. Sometimes I want to just rip the bandaid off and tell them, but I know that's a bad idea.

Then there's the fact that I've never had a relationship before. I really would like one, but I wish I didn't. I don't feel attractive. I don't even know if I could be a good partner--I want so much love, but can I give it? I'm honestly kind of scared of dating. I want to have sex one day, but it seems like a silly thing to want when I'm still trying to work out my gender, when I'm still trying to figure out why being close to someone is so scary. I wish I could just, like, turn those feelings off.

Then there’s work, trying to keep up with self care, I'm a grad student right now, trying to pitch in and be helpful at home, and also being social and going out with friends too.

On top of that, my sister is getting married. I'm doing bridesmaid stuff and writing a speech and it's just making me realize that (although I am extremely happy for her! She deserves it!), I'm very far from any of that. Plus, you know, the usual "I'm lowkey queer and trying to make sense of a very un-queer set of formalities" thing...

I've been posting a lot online recently, I guess looking for support. I definitely need better coping mechanisms to reassure myself, but by the end of the day I'm so emotionally exhausted that I convince myself the answers to my turmoil lie somewhere in the internet (/s, lmao).

[char]

Hey braveSwordfish! From your last few posts, it definitely sounds like you got a lot on your plate right now; not just from your routine but also from what's in your head. You're totally not alone. I think with people our age (20s) there's a ton of expectations laid upon us, even when no one directly tells us what we should be doing. Something along the lines of "Your 20s needs to be filled with XYZ!" "Once you turn 20, here are 7 things you need to do." Stuff like that. But for queer and questioning people, a lot of these agendas(?) we're going to "miss" or fulfill in a completely different way; it doesn't mean our lives are inherently worse, but our journey is going to look different from most people (especially if they're cisgender and heterosexual), and that's okay. I can definitely relate to your realization and awkwardness towards marriage... more and more people around me, friends and family alike, have been getting married and starting their own families. But yeah, it's always good to remember that our lives are just as worthy to go through, and people don't just cease to exist once they turn 30. (Congratulations to your sister by the way! Hope everything goes smoothly for everyone involved. It's also cool that you're doing grad school )

Another thing that I'd like to talk about is emotions. You mentioned wishing that you could turn your feelings off, but as you've probably recognized, they're there to be acknowledged, right? Just like how our stomach rumbles when we're hungry, our emotions are here to let us know that there's something we need to tend to. Do we need to address everything immediately and completely? In many cases, I don't think so. But sitting with our feelings on our own, just saying "Oh yeah, I'm currently feeling super overwhelmed right now," can do wonders. I hope this doesn't sound too clinical. I believe you'll be able to navigate through these harsher moments in your life ;;

[braveSwordfish]

Thanks for this reply

It's definitely a journey. I've had a long and kinda zig-zaggy questioning journey, and it is kinda crazy to compare myself to other people--my journey has had a lot of scenic routes and detours that other people haven't been on, lol.

Yeah, the emotions part you mentioned makes a lot of sense. I think because a romantic relationship isn't ESSENTIAL to life, I want to dismiss the part of me that wants those things, but it makes sense that it might be good for me to be able to be intimate on that level with someone, and that it might be a good idea to take steps towards that.

[Andy]

Hi braveSwordfish (I love your username btw!),

I personally am a big fan of most scenic routes or detours, both literally and figuratively. You can often learn skills or meet people you wouldn’t anywhere else or they can show you what paths you might want to follow in the future and which not. And if nothing else, they can at least make for stories to tell around the campfire:) Sorry, ending with the hiking metaphor-ing now, but I just want to echo what you and Char already said, that comparing ourselves to other people (and often just to what we think we know about other people), isn’t very helpful or even feasible.

While romantic relationship might not be essential to survive, many other nice things are not (like art, media, pets or sweets for example). But that doesn’t mean wanting those and taking steps to experience them is bad or something we should try to supress, quite the opposite. But I see your other thread about relationships, so I will reply to you about that more there.

I just wanted to check in with you about the gender questioning you mentioned, is that something you would like to talk more about more? Can you maybe think of something that brought the topic up for you lately?

And lastly, you also mentioned trying to navigate the often very strict rituals around marriage as a queer person, which I can definitely see can be quite stressful. Is there maybe something in particular that is stressing you out in the process? We have a team full of queer people so maybe we might be able to brainstorm some ideas:)

[braveSwordfish]

Hello! Thank you, hehe, I watched a TierZoo vid about swordfish and realized they are actually really awesome!

Yeah, I'm in a bit of a weird spot with the gender stuff. I had a been generally tending really masculine since I was a mid-teens, and then had a really big Gender Questioning Phase that kicked off probably about five years ago now. I was really enjoying presenting and identifying as masculine, and was beginning to more seriously consider social and/or medical transition. I had some questions and concerns I couldn't quite square about it, and I kind of ended up just changing my presentation around, and name/pronouns with a few friends. Then, about two years ago, I kinda just started feeling like a woman again. I was starting to get adjusted to that and feel good about it, but as of about a month ago, I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm not totally a woman? But anything more specific than that starts to feel really nebulous. Parts of me cannot stop thinking about medical transition, and parts of me are very apprehensive about it. I don't really know what my gender goals are, and I find myself more reluctant to experiment with things than I was the last time around and I'm not totally sure why.

And, honestly, I actually don't find any one thing in particular to be stressful. I think that's the hard part--I think just knowing that Most People are going to be able to perform their Designated Gender Roles there while I feel like it's going to be very obvious that I don't really fit. I have a dress for the ceremony and a more androgynous outfit for the reception, but I just am worried that I'm not going to feel comfortable in any of them, and I'm even more worried that that awkwardness is going to show in the photos, or when I'm giving my speech, or introducing myself.

[Straif]

Hi braveSwordfish,
As a genderqueer person who usually presents more masculine and who, in the past, felt like I had to perform my assigned gender roles at weddings, I see you. I'm glad that you were able to get a more androgynous outfit for the reception, at least. You've talked about worrying about how your parents or straight friends would receive you coming out as some flavor of gender non-conforming. Do those concerns also apply to your sister? Ideally, it wouldn't be too late to change up what you're wearing to something you feel more like yourself in, but I understand that might not be realistic at this stage. No matter what happens between now and the wedding, perhaps this moment opens some doors for you-- even if it's just as a learning experience about how you want to approach occasions like this one in the future? (And, at your age, I think it's a good possibility that you'll have other opportunities to navigate these situations in ways that end up feeling better to you.)

Culturally, there are a lot of gender normative and heterosexist assumptions about weddings, and how people respond to you wanting to wear what feels good to you will tell you a lot about whether they're a safe person to be vulnerable with. To put it bluntly, a friend or family member who tries to force you into a dress might be someone whose bridal party you might decline to join-- but you can't know how they'll react if you don't give them the chance. When someone asks you to be part of their wedding, they're (hopefully) someone who cares about you deeply, which means it might be worth taking that chance to let them love you better by seeing you more fully.

I think one of the challenges being someone with a fluid relationship to gender is that it feels a lot harder to talk to people about it because you're challenging their black-and-white assumptions (assumptions that we might still be wrangling with ourselves). The good news is that you get to decide when, how, and with whom you want talk about your gender. Whenever and however you choose to do so, you are giving them a gift, not handing them a burden. You can't control whether or not they'll see it as such, but I think it might help you to reframe it for yourself. The even better news is that you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you decide to perform your gender on any given day, including their wedding day. You also don't owe them consistency or complete understanding of your gender, and you can set boundaries around that as you see fit. I know this might feel like a lot to take in. How is it landing with you?

[braveSwordfish]

Hi there!! Thank you so much for this reply. Honestly, I'm very lucky the whole process was really inclusive. My sister is somewhat aware of my gender fluidity, and was very supportive of anything I wanted to wear right from the start, and I am sure her husband would feel the same. Both outfits were recieved really well by my sister and her husband and everyone else there!

Honestly, the most surprising part was that I genuinely enjoyed wearing the dress and heels, while I felt kinda odd about wearing the button-up + tie + sweater I had for the reception. I'm trying not to read too much into it and what it means for me. I've been trying to follow the guidance of "do the next right thing" to try and keep from ruminating, because part of me wants to freak out and decipher what all of this means and somehow come to what must *certainly*, after *years*, be the Final Verdict About My Gender.

But back to being on-topic, I really appreciated what you said about my sharing my feelings about my gender being a gift to the person rather than a burden. I can sometimes feel really cagey about gender stuff, and especially at times like this where I have more questions than answers, it can feel like it's a problem I have to keep secret rather than, like, a journey I can share. I really appreciate that reframing and I'm gonna try and keep that in mind!

[Anya]

Hey braveSwordfish,

That's fantastic that the wedding went so well and you got the other side in one piece haha! Sometimes the fear itself can end up being worse than the actual event, and just downward spiral that anxiety

I think it's great that you noticed how you were feeling about the dress, as well as the top with the tie, and felt like you could take from those feelings what was important to you, and leave what you felt like wasn't actually that helpful. It can be really complicated to navigate multifaceted feelings that lead you in so many directions, but one of the best skills, I think, is the ability to kind of mentally line it all up and choose which of these feelings is more present, what feels deeper or shallower, and what you wish to take with you. Because sometimes our feelings really are telling us something deep, and sometimes we're also just emotionally processing our surroundings through our bodies (which can definitely bring up all sorts of emotions we didn't expect).

I know its so hard to not fall into the "I need to figure out my gender" trap but we're super proud of you for being able to just sit with it and take it day by day. I think some people hold the misconception that finding "an answer" is the hardest part, but really, being okay with not finding a definite, universal answer tends to be the trickiest of all. So it's really cool (even if its a 'fake it till you make it' kind of thing) that you're trying to just let it breathe and listen to yourself.

Gender can be a very vulnerable thing. So it's understandable to feel cagey about it, even with people you want to let in. Just give it time though. You do not need to feel like you have gender "figured out" before you share that part of you. I would certainly bet that the people around you would lean towards being more grateful, like Straif said, than thinking of it like any kind of burden.

So wonderful to hear you're doing well since the wedding!

[braveSwordfish]

Thank you so much! It was a really great time and I was able to express myself enough to be present and feel the love with family and friends! And yeah, I'm doing my best not to worry and just do what feels right. Thank you all for the support, I really appreciate it <3