First Time Looking (Help me prepare please!)

[thatanon]

Hello Becky! Thank you. Would you be alright if I send messages here if i have questions or need support while i quickly look?

[Becky]

Absolutely! We also have our texting line which might allow us to communicate more quickly if you prefer: (206) 866-2279

But either one works for me! I'll keep checking this post if that works better for you.

[thatanon]

I don't really want to text BUT I think I'd be more calm knowing I don't have to keep refreshing so I'll shoot a text over. Thank you so much.

[thatanon]

Hello, I'm back.
You asked if I want to talk about what's making me uncomfortable and I think answering that would be helpful to me because other people on this board mentioned working on coping skills for that so I think this is the smart thing to do.

Firstly, it was gross because I saw period blood around/in(?) the vaginal opening because I made the choice to look while on my period. I did wash first with a wet wipe. It was still weird nonetheless.

Secondly, the position I was in made me uncomfortable (not physically. Physically I was fine. Mentally I weirded myself out and felt gross sitting like that, pants-less, with a flashlight and mirror aimed at it. It's a spot that's never looked at and it's a spot with functions of urinating and such so it mentally felt similar to seeing something you shouldn't but intentionally keeping your eyes on it.

Thirdly, it certainly did not look like the diagrams I looked at to prepare. I got so confused at what I was looking at and that was uncomfortable. I did a lot of research to prepare and I still felt overwhelmed by the anatomy. I didn't understand. I didn't know where things should be. It made me uncomfortable that the real thing ended up looking different than I was mentally preparing for and it looked grosser because I didn't understand what I was looking at and I never got to prepare for that image of it.

Fourthly, it just felt wrong. All of the hair down there that had to be moved, the weird appearance of the skin there, the inner lips not looking how i thought they would, things not being where I expected, my focus being near a private part, the fact that it looks so strange, and the fact that actually seeing it made me just blank out and I had no idea what to do, what I was doing, or how wrong I was about my predictions about its appearance.

I think that's all?
It feels gross saying all that online too, but thankfully I'm anonymous and this could possibly help some other people who are about to look their first time too.

[Becky]

Welcome back!

It's totally ok to feel uncomfortable with all of this. There's a lot of internalized messaging and feelings that can come up when we really start to pay attention to our bodies.

It's definitely difficult to get a good position to explore a vulva with. I'm pretty sure I contorted myself onto my bathroom sink the first time I looked-- later I got a full length mirror. And yeah, it can feel kind of clinical. Do you think if you wanted to do this again, rather than using a flashlight you might use some softer lighting? Make it more of a meditative space rather than like you're going to the doctors.

As for not seeing what you were expecting, that's ok! Scientific diagrams aren't able to show the diversity of vulvas, labia, and clitorises. Just because yours didn't look like what you were expecting doesn't mean anything is wrong. I know you have some aversion to these things but if you'd be interested there's a REALLY cool resource called The Labia Library that shows a bunch of different people's external genitalia. There is so much diversity in size, shape, length, and hair!

Would something like that be helpful so you can see that most people's vulvas don't look like the one in the scientific diagram?

[thatanon]

Thank you, Becky!

I do have a softer light I could try. I think that's worth a shot if I wanted to do it again. I'm not sure if or when I want to try again.

Thanks for the resource! I think something else that made it feel unlike the diagrams was that those were fully open. I assumed it'd be easy to see it all but then I also was like "wait is THAT my labia minora and if it is then what the heck did I think this other part was? But that can't be this part because [random thoughts and attempts of reasoning]. But it looked so easy to understand on the diagram! Why does this not exactly look how I was expecting!" I couldn't tell if it was too small, shaped wrong, etc.

It also felt so wrong because (okay, I feel like I should stop being shy and just be open because you're here to help. I'm so anxious to be even more TMI though but I'm gonna try because it may bring me comfort to get an answer) I spread the labia majora apart and inside there was like uhhh, yknow how dinosaurs have a spine protruding out? Yeah, it was something like that. And that made me so confused and grossed out. Was that the inner lips or something else? It did have a line through it which made me think that it was another pair of lips but i didn't expect it to look so thin (if that was the labia minora) which made me worry if there actually was something wrong with my body.

It might be helpful, I think! It also feels like an invasion of privacy even though I assume all those photos were posted consensually, but it still feels too personal. And if I was uncomfortable looking at my own, I don't know if I'd be comfortable looking at others. Though, it may be able to settle my worries since maybe I can confirm that mine actually looks normal.

How could I mentally prepare to look at that library if I'm able to feel like giving it a shot?

edit: wow that took me 20 minutes to type, oh man

[Becky]

How about I link to a different page first. This is the Labia Library's article on "Are My Labia Normal?" https://www.labialibrary.org.au/your-la ... ia-normal/

If you decide you want to take a peek at the various pictures of labia that they have collected it's one of the tabs at the top. And don't worry-- they give you a warning that you have to click through before you can actually see any pictures so you can change your mind. And yes, all of the pictures were taken with consent specifically to show the diversity of vulvas! And its very gentle and non-sexual, but not clinical. You can see pictures of the vulva straight on and then what they look like from underneath.

If you do want to look and need to mentally prepare yourself... I would say just give yourself permission to feel however you feel. It's ok to feel shocked, surprised, grossed out, etc. But remind yourself that this is just a part of the body. Just like an arm, a leg, a mouth, an eye, etc. Take breaks as you need to. You can pace yourself also. Tell yourself, "I'll just look at the first row and then I'll take a break." and see how you feel.

I think you might actually find it interesting, especially the underneath view because you'll see a lot of versions of what you are describing! The "dino spine" that you are describing is in fact your labia minora-- or the inner lips. They can look all kinds of ways but yeah they are typically kind of wavy and flappy. Some people's are thick, some are thin, some are so long that they actually hang down outside of the labia majora and some people don't have them at all! The line through them that you noticed is your vaginal opening. There's nothing wrong with your body! That's where a tampon would go if you wanted to use one and where your period blood comes out. I think a lot of people are expecting an actual hole but its more like a sock when there's nothing in it. So you can't actually see much of it from the outside. That's why it just looked like another slit. But it can be "opened" by stretching it a bit which is how it can accommodate things like a tampon, fingers, a dildo, or a penis.

I think this is really great! You noticed lots of things about your own anatomy and now you can learn about them more if you want to.

How are you feeling taking in all of this information?

[thatanon]

Thank you for that link! I think I'll check it out.
That's a really good idea to take my time with it and keep reminding myself that it's just a normal body part. And I'm relieved its a click-to-see thing so I don't get jumpscared by a bunch of pictures haha. It's really cool that a lot of people participated in that (heck, even if it's five people that's still cool).

And that's great to hear that I'd probably find it interesting. I had no idea that was what the labia minora looked like. That's actually so reassuring. I thought I discovered a weird deformation LOL so I'm glad my suspicion about it being the labia minora was correct. And that's good to know! I didn't know that was the slit into the vagina.

Yes! Thank you so much.

I'm taking it in a little better. Talking out my discomfort did help, thank you again! I'm glad to have talked it out with you. It still feels VERY strange to have seen my vulva but I'm so thankful you were here to bring me answers and comfort! Thanks for asking.

[Becky]

I'm so glad you're feeling better about this! Do you want to talk about this more or anything else?

[thatanon]

Thank you! And at the moment I think I'll be okay (I did just wake up though so I can't really think, so my answer may change when I wake up more). I appreciate all your kindness and your help!

[thatanon]

I'm feeling a bit more normal about it now, Becky.

For some reason I briefly became afraid of the inner lips? Not certain why. But I did start calming myself down. I did check the sources you sent. I couldn't look for long due to discomfort, but I think it helped a little. I think my initial shock was because the diagrams I've seen typically show the inner lips being longer, but for me they started down a lot further than I expected and was much shorter than I had prepared for. Kind of shocking because I assumed the length would be wider since that area is commonly used for sexual purposes so in a way it felt comforting to feel like that area was hidden like "no other genitalia or anything can find me here!!" (I feel weird for saying that, but I for some reason felt like elaboration would be helpful) since I'd personally rather not engage in sex so I *think* I'd say figuring that out personally helped me feel more comfortable and less like "YOUR BODY IS BUILT FOR REPRODUCTION AND SEX!!!".

It does feel kind of jarring though because I didn't realize how far down that area was, but now that I think of it, it should've been obvious.

I just have a few questions now:
I don't use tampons or anything that goes up the vaginal canal, would you consider it important to know exactly where the vaginal opening is regardless?
How do I know if I should give it another look or not?
Are the inner lips fragile/frail? They looked delicate to me. Is that why they're covered by outer lips?

There is also something I really quickly want to process. May I text it to you?

[KierC]

Hi thatanon!

I’m glad this has helped you feel a bit more comfortable. I’d be happy to go into your questions!

1. It may be helpful to know about the vaginal opening and where it is even if you’re not actively inserting anything into it. If you ever feel pain or an infection it’s helpful to be able to identify where that is. It can also be helpful if you do, at any point, decide you want to insert something.

2. It’s really up to you how much exploration you do here. None of us will tell you what you should do regarding your body. If you feel like you want to take another look, go for it! But there’s really no situation where we’d tell you you Should or Need to take a look. Know what I mean?

3. The tissue that makes up the inner labia is mucosal and a bit thinner than the outer labia, indeed! The outer lips certainly do protect the inner lips from friction and I could imagine they provide a certain barrier from the mucosal bits and the rest of the body. Does that
Make sense to you?

Our text line is reserved for shorter questions, but if you want to process something off the boards we might be able to open our live chat for you. How does that sound?

[thatanon]

Thanks KierC!
Good to know! I don't know if I actually found the vaginal opening, so if I'm ever comfortable to look again, I'll see if I can spot it. I think the amount of exploration I did was a good amount even though it was barely anything, but I did end up spacing out when I actually did look (I didn't think it'd be THAT intimidating that it'd make my mind go blank). So I think those (finding the opening + looking and trying not to go blank) may be my only reasons to consider looking again, but I'll see if I'll ever regain the courage to check again. If not, then I think I did the best I could do and it's probably satisfactory as is!

Oh, yeah! That makes sense. Thanks for the information!

That sounds great. I won't be available to live chat right now unfortunately but I should in an hour or so. Could I check in via boards first once I have free time to process so I can ask for the chat to be opened then?