Feeling like I'm not built for a relationship, wishing I didn't want to be in one

[braveSwordfish]

I've never been in a romantic relationship. Lots of crushes and unrequited feelings, one "right person wrong time" because I was convinced he didn't like me, and all the blues that come with those sorts of situations.

This past year, I'd been trying to work through all of that, and start looking for a relationship. I really struggled mentally with my time on the apps and after one date I spent the week dreading (and then bailed after an hour bc I was freaking out), I deleted all the apps and haven't looked back.

Still, I keep having feelings. Usually for people who are unavailable. I'm realizing that the level of emotional intimacy required for a relationship is kind of intimidating to me! And I think part of me worries that, deep down, nobody is going to like who I really am.

On top of that I'm kind of questioning/experimenting with my gender identity. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's adding another layer of...complexity. Not only do I have all this other relationship baggage to deal with (ironic for someone with no relationships to speak of), but now I don't even know what kind of guys would be into me; I guess bi/pan/omni guys, but I feel like maybe it's kind of reductive to need a partner with such a specific sexual orientation just because I have a vague gender.

Part of me wants to just toss the whole romance/relationship/dating thing out the window, but I do have to admit I'd like to experience romance and intimacy one day, even if it doesn't last forever. It just feels...impossible, you know?

I'd love some other perspectives or advice

[amber]

Hi braveSwordfish!

I hear you on the struggles you had on dating apps. I think you are certainly not alone with not liking them! Was there something specific that felt especially difficult?

It sounds to me like you do have a deep desire for romantic connection even with the challenges you are describing. Not feeling enough or worthy is hard, especially when you are experimenting with your gender. Do you have close platonic relationships or people in your life who already love who you are? I ask because there is nothing you need to do or change to understand that you can be loved/pursued/wanted besides open yourself up to connection of all sorts.

What do you mean about liking people who are unavailable? Putting yourself out there, and even experiencing rejection, is good and a part of the process of connecting with people.

I've been waiting to ask more about your fears on emotional intimacy. Is it a worry that once you are truly vulnerable, the person will not like you anymore? If so, that sounds like a deeper worry about rejection (which is ok!). Does that sound correct?

[braveSwordfish]

Hi there! Thanks for your reply.

I think just the whole process of the apps was tough for me. If I tried being selective, I didn't get any matches. I also found myself feeling kind of mean with how often I felt like I was swiping left, and rejecting people just based on a few pictures and such little information felt reductive. But if I tried to be more open-minded, I didn't often enjoy the conversations and was kind of overwhelmed.

I'd say I have a good circle of friends and family around me! I do sometimes feel like I have to filter or kinda change my approach for different groups/relationships, so I guess I'm not totally sure if I feel like all parts of me are completely embraced in every circle I'm in, but I think across my relationships I feel supported.

As for the unavailability, I think it adds a layer of safety for me. I found myself most intensely attracted to and missing the "right person, wrong time" friend I mentioned early right when he moved across the country and I knew that he wouldn't go for long-distance. I've also had a crush for years on one of my coworkers who has been in a long-term relationship for as long as I've known him and is trying for a baby right now, lol. Meanwhile, a friend tried to "wing-woman" for me with a guy she knew was available and I couldn't even open my mouth to say anything to him when she called him over.

And yeah, now that you put it that way, I think a fear of rejection is a big part of it. I've had one or two direct rejections and I really struggled with it (though that was back in middle/high school so maybe that's to be expected lol). Self-esteem is hard for me, and I guess my brain is trying to keep me from getting hurt even worse, you know?

[Andy]

Hi again!

I hear you about dating apps being stressful, I never got to like them either, they can feel like a lot of pressure. But thankfully the mainstream apps aren’t the only way to meet new people. Were are happy to talk with you about other ways that might feel more comfortable for you if you want.

I am also sorry the rejections you experienced were so tough, they can hurt a lot, especially when our self-esteem hasn’t been the best to start with. But I think that even just realising that this might play in how you feel about dating and relationships, is a very helpful step.

In your other thread, you mentioned that it might be good for you to start taking steps towards a romantic relationship, so I wanted to ask if you can think of someone in your life right now that you might be interesting in getting to know better? I don’t mean someone you already imagine dating, having sex or a long-term relationship with, just someone you might want to go talk to and maybe go on a date with. You can treat this as much as a thought experiment or a practical step, as you want.

[braveSwordfish]

Hi there! Ooooh, that is a great starting question, and unfortunately I don't think I really have anyone in my life like that right now! It's funny because although I'd say I have a pretty active social life, my friends are pretty much all women and I'm into men, lol. I do want to branch out into being more social with my hobbies and see if that can help me maybe meet guys, though with the time demands of me being in grad school, I think realistically that'll have to wait until at least the summer.

[Andy]

Hi,

I’m glad my answer was helpful. Meeting more people through hobbies sounds like a great idea! If regular activities don’t seem feasible at the moment but you would still like to meet some new people, you could look into activities and events that are just a one-time thing. Helping out with events at grad school might be an option or there are many in-person dating events out there either more formal like speed-dating or events like board game nights, directed at single people but without any pressure about dating. But that is not everyone’s cup of preferred liquid, so don’t pressure yourself into them if it doesn’t sound like fun.

You can also take the thought experiment further and think about what you would like your future relationship to be like. Not to create any specific rigid list, but just to get yourself used to the idea and so you know better what to look for in people you meet.

[braveSwordfish]

Hi there!! I actually hadn't considered going to more one-off events, that actually sounds like it could be fun. I get kind of nervous talking to people I'm interested in and the nice part about a one-off is that I never have to see them again lol.

And honestly I think a great model is my sister's relationship! They recently got married and I love how generous they are with each other and willing to learn about each other's lives and interests. I'll keep an eye out for other things that I might want in a relationship.

I guess one worry I have is that I'll, like, have all these expectations for what I want from a partner, but not be able to live up to them myself. Like I guess I worry that I want more from a partner than I can really give?

[KierC]

Hey!

I’m so glad you liked Andy’s idea about the one-off events! They are truly so much less pressure. I recently went to a one-off singles event at a farmer’s market, and it was actually really nice to go and not worry about seeing anyone again. It was also nice that it was at a farmer’s market where other things were going on, so when I had enough I just walked off into the berries. I’m not sure if you live in a big city or what sort of community you’re in, but maybe there’s events like that where you can kinda opt in and out of the event as you please?

I am in a similar boat with the apps, it can be overwhelming in quantity and therefore hard to have quality conversations without getting totally overstimulated, lol. I also get what you mean about the apps making you feel bad about how you look at/choose people, the nature of the platform is kinda icky in that way. It certainly works for lots of folks, and there’s certainly ways to engage with the apps that maybe make it less overwhelming, but I’m of the opinion that if the apps don’t feel good, you don’t *need* to workshop it and make yourself stay on the apps, especially when there’s other options like Andy’s brought up!

Re: relationship models, how wonderful to have a great model in your life! Your sister’s relationship sounds beautiful and enriching. Definitely keep an eye out for more things you like and want to emulate in your own relationships. It’s a good practice for life, I think, not even just in romantic relationships. Know what I mean?


From this post and others, I do see you struggling with the feeling of not being enough (that someone may not like you when they get to know you, and that you may not be able to provide the level of companionship you want in others). I just want you to know that I see this concern and I want to open up some space for you to talk about that if you want. <3 I know it can be really really painful to feel this way, and that it can be hard to talk about. I’ve struggled feeling this way too, so you’re not alone here. Maybe we could talk about what sort of things you’re worried you couldn’t provide that you want in others? If that sounds helpful, we could also talk about what sort of things you know you *can* provide in relationships and that you do feel good about within yourself? Are there ways you show up for your friends and other loved ones that you’d bring into a romantic relationship too?