Why do I feel so awful for watching porn?

[initiald-ejavu]

I made a post earlier about how "I don't think it's all purity culture" that porn is seen as bad. I don't really care to argue if porn is bad for anyone else anymore, I just want to understand my own reaction to it.

I, for the life of me, cannot decide what kind of relationship I want with porn. It usually follows a cycle of Watch porn -> "Hey that was nice" -> Watch more porn -> Eventually and suddenly porn is the devil's spawn and I hate it (typically after a really long session) -> Hate porn and resolve to quit -> Quit for a while -> Forget why I quit -> Start over

I cannot tell anymore if this is some sort of internalized purity culture thing, or what. It keeps following this exact pattern and I cannot for the life of me place what the trigger is? What turns porn from a fun past time to something completely disgusting for me at the drop of a hat.

It also launches me into these tirades of thinking about porn and its place in my life, and those take HOURS. And whatever decision I make seems to keep getting overturned. I run through the same arguments over and over again. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm at my wit's end (again).

During these times where I feel like porn is disgusting I don't want to be told "hey it's okay, nothing is wrong with it" cuz that just feels incorrect to me. At the same time I cannot for the life of me find an intrinsic reason why porn is bad to the point that any consumption of it is bad. I have this disgust I cannot rationally explain, that shows up for reasons I don't know, and goes away for even more mysterious reasons.

I'm posting this in a general forum cuz I hope other users can relate

[char]

Hey initiald-ejavu, I hope it's okay for me to share my 2 cents. As you've probably figured out, everyone's sexuality as a whole (not just how they feel about pornography use) is influenced by a lot of things. Sometimes it's generally easier to pinpoint why someone thinks the way they do to certain aspects of sexuality, but sometimes it's not that simple.

Considering you've mentioned that you're seeing a therapist for OCD symptoms, I'm not sure how much of this we can discuss here, but what has been helpful in making you feel less distressed after your spiraling thoughts? Also, were you able to read the pieces on purity culture that Heather shared you a few weeks ago?

[initiald-ejavu]

I read up on the purity culture pieces and I... couldn't really relate? They're too Christian, and the religion I left was Islam so all this about "Lust in the bible" and "Same sex relationships in the bible" stuff wasn't really useful for me.

It's weird cuz I didn't use to feel bad about porn at all until I started reading about "porn addiction" and about all its negative effects. Which I understand only really occur for extreme cases of use but for a worrywart like me, that doesn't mean anything as the line for "extreme" use is blurry. Point is, I don't think it's a religious issue for me.

but what has been helpful in making you feel less distressed after your spiraling thoughts?

The only thing that's helped me is something I made up that I call "grafting" which is to just take whatever I just did and ask myself "If your girlfriend did this, would you think she's in the wrong". Or take what I'm worrying about and ask "Do you think this is a reasonable worry that you expect your girlfriend to also be constantly thinking about", etc

I don't really know how to be kind or forgiving towards myself for any perceived "mistakes" (not sure what my brain thinks is a mistake in watching 2D drawn porn where there is literally 0 chance anyone anywhere is getting hurt, but anyways), so I try to place the mistake in other people and see what I'd think of it, then try to act fairly towards myself. It doesn't always work...

I was hoping to hear from others who've had similar experiences what helps them snap out of guilt in the moment, and in the long term.

[Heather]

Hi there, initiald-ejavu.

I think you're probably unlikely to get what you're looking for from others in this thread for a few reasons. My best advice if you want to see something like you're asking for at the end here is to search the boards for previous posts from others who have been talking about similar things. By all means, we can leave this open in case anyone does come through who sees this and has something to contribute, but I just wanted to manage your expectations some.

It isn't surprising to me that reading about porn "addiction" -- which again, is not real, no not even in "extreme cases," and I just want to re-up [url="https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... -addiction"]a link I gave you on this[/url- in another thread -- made you feel bad when you didn't before. People who are putting that stuff out there, and often profiting from it, no less -- MEAN to make you feel how you are feeling. In a word, you've likely largely been manipulated by most people creating or encouraging that kind of content.

So, my best advice it to stop seeking that content out and engaging with it, at all, if and when it finds you in some way, like in socials. I also think you have been describing feeling some ways that suggest this is actually potentially as much about anxiety or some kind of anxiety disorder as being about porn itself, and so I would also strongly suggest that if you have access to it, that mental healthcare, particularly care that involves addressing intrusive or obsessive thought, would be another best thing to do, including because as we make clear in our user agreement, that is something we just can't help people with here. We do have a page of resources and guidance expressly for users experiencing some form of anxiety you might find helpful here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... -resources